Longing for a Lost Love

She may not have noticed, but I would watch her as she goes to the anteroom.

She would sit there on that same chair where he used to sit. On the backrest, she would lay her head and stay still. After a while, she would feel the armrests, and look around the room as if his presence still lingers there.

Then, she would rock herself to sleep while she weeps... 

Silently. 

~I Sought God at the Corner of the Anteroom, Chapter 5: Longing for a Lost Love

***

During the holidays, we stayed at our house in Rizal.

I seldom stay there. And when I do, it's usually during the Lenten Season or the Christmas.


That house is filled by memories of my father. Whenever I see something that reminds me of him, it makes me teary-eyed.


My mom stays there.

Hindi ko rin alam kung paano siya nakakatagal dun sa loob ng bahay na yun without being really emotional.

She's used to being just on sides, or by my dad's side. She's the classic example of what they call "a woman behind a man's success."


When my father passed away, she was at a loss.

***

“Nate, ang daddy mo…” “What will happen now? What are we going to do?”

***

Suddenly, all the major decisions will rely on her. The task of upholding our family are now on her shoulders. She's not used to this. She could falter anytime. But she gathered up her courage in order to bring up our family.

She may be physically weak, but she's a tough cookie. Imagine raising up four boys, on her own, till they finish their studies. That isn't easy.

I don't know how she did it, but she managed to pull it through.

I know she isn't a superwoman. There were times that out of nowhere, for no reason at all, she would stop whatever it is that she's doing, and just cry.

She's a woman, and for that reason, she's entitled to crying. I guess it's her way of easing the pain, the longing, the yearning for the man she loves.


A few years after, the out of the blue crying ceased.

***

Yesterday, while having breakfast,

"Nate, anak, birthday na ni AR ah..." 

"Mom, death anniversary po ni dad... Hindi nyo po ba siya nami-miss?"

She moved towards me, and gave me a hug.

"I know, anak, and we'll visit him soon. We'll probably go with your Tita Elaine."  

Then she kissed my forehead.

No more tears. 

She's strong. She's stronger now...