Longing for a Lost Love

She may not have noticed, but I would watch her as she goes to the anteroom.

She would sit there on that same chair where he used to sit. On the backrest, she would lay her head and stay still. After a while, she would feel the armrests, and look around the room as if his presence still lingers there.

Then, she would rock herself to sleep while she weeps... 

Silently. 

~I Sought God at the Corner of the Anteroom, Chapter 5: Longing for a Lost Love

***

During the holidays, we stayed at our house in Rizal.

I seldom stay there. And when I do, it's usually during the Lenten Season or the Christmas.


That house is filled by memories of my father. Whenever I see something that reminds me of him, it makes me teary-eyed.


My mom stays there.

Hindi ko rin alam kung paano siya nakakatagal dun sa loob ng bahay na yun without being really emotional.

She's used to being just on sides, or by my dad's side. She's the classic example of what they call "a woman behind a man's success."


When my father passed away, she was at a loss.

***

“Nate, ang daddy mo…” “What will happen now? What are we going to do?”

***

Suddenly, all the major decisions will rely on her. The task of upholding our family are now on her shoulders. She's not used to this. She could falter anytime. But she gathered up her courage in order to bring up our family.

She may be physically weak, but she's a tough cookie. Imagine raising up four boys, on her own, till they finish their studies. That isn't easy.

I don't know how she did it, but she managed to pull it through.

I know she isn't a superwoman. There were times that out of nowhere, for no reason at all, she would stop whatever it is that she's doing, and just cry.

She's a woman, and for that reason, she's entitled to crying. I guess it's her way of easing the pain, the longing, the yearning for the man she loves.


A few years after, the out of the blue crying ceased.

***

Yesterday, while having breakfast,

"Nate, anak, birthday na ni AR ah..." 

"Mom, death anniversary po ni dad... Hindi nyo po ba siya nami-miss?"

She moved towards me, and gave me a hug.

"I know, anak, and we'll visit him soon. We'll probably go with your Tita Elaine."  

Then she kissed my forehead.

No more tears. 

She's strong. She's stronger now...

Presence, Absence, Faith

Professor : You are a Christian, aren’t you, son ?

Student : Yes, sir.

Professor: So, you believe in GOD ?

Student : Absolutely, sir.
 

Professor : Is GOD good ?

Student : Sure.

Professor: Is GOD all powerful ?

Student : Yes.

Professor: My brother died of cancer even though he prayed to GOD to heal him. Most of us would attempt to help others who are ill. But GOD didn’t. How is this GOD good then? Hmm?

(Student was silent.)

Professor: You can’t answer, can you ? Let’s start again, young fella. Is GOD good?

Student : Yes.

Professor: Is satan good ?

Student : No.

Professor: Where does satan come from ?

Student : From … GOD …

Professor: That’s right. Tell me son, is there evil in this world?

Student : Yes.

Professor: Evil is everywhere, isn’t it ? And GOD did make everything. Correct?

Student :Yes

Professor: So who created evil ?

(Student did not answer.)

Professor: Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things exist in the world, don’t they?

Student : Yes, sir.

Professor: So, who created them ?

(Student had no answer.)

Professor: Science says you have 5 Senses you use to identify and observe the world around you. Tell me, son, have you ever seen GOD?

Student : No, sir.

Professor: Tell us if you have ever heard your GOD?

Student : No ,sir.

Professor: Have you ever felt your GOD, tasted your GOD, smell your GOD? Have you ever had any sensory perception of GOD for that matter?

Student : No, sir. I’m afraid I haven’t.

Professor: Yet you still believe in Him?

Student : Yes.

Professor : According to Empirical, Testable, Demonstrable Protocol, Science says your GOD doesn’t exist. What do you say to that, son?

Student : Nothing. I only have my faith.

Professor: Yes, faith. And that is the problem Science has.

Student : Professor, is there such a thing as heat?

Professor: Yes.

Student : And is there such a thing as cold? Professor: Yes.

Student : No, sir. There isn’t.

(The lecture theatre became very quiet with this turn of events.)

Student : Sir, you can have lots of heat, even more heat, superheat, mega heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat. But we don’t have anything called cold. We can hit 458 degrees below zero which is no heat, but we can’t go any further after that. There is no such thing as cold. Cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat. We cannot measure cold. Heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it.

(There was pin-drop silence in the lecture theater.)

Student : What about darkness, Professor? Is there such a thing as darkness?

Professor: Yes. What is night if there isn’t darkness?

Student : You’re wrong again, sir. Darkness is the absence of something. You can have low light, normal light, bright light, flashing light. But if you have no light constantly, you have nothing and its called darkness, isn’t it? In reality, darkness isn’t. If it is, were you would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn’t you?

Professor: So what is the point you are making, young man ?

Student : Sir, my point is your philosophical premise is flawed.

Professor: Flawed ? Can you explain how?

Student : Sir, you are working on the premise of duality. You argue there is life and then there is death, a good GOD and a bad GOD. You are viewing the concept of GOD as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, Science can’t even explain a thought. It uses electricity and magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one. To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing.

Death is not the opposite of life: just the absence of it. Now tell me, Professor, do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey?

Professor: If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, yes, of course, I do.

Student : Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir?

(The Professor shook his head with a smile, beginning to realize where the argument was going.)

Student : Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavor. Are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you not a scientist but a preacher?

(The class was in uproar.)

Student : Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the Professor’s brain?

(The class broke out into laughter.)

Student : Is there anyone here who has ever heard the Professor’s brain, felt it, touched or smelt it? No one appears to have done so. So, according to the established Rules of Empirical, Stable, Demonstrable Protocol, Science says that you have no brain, sir. With all due respect, sir, how do we then trust your lectures, sir?

(The room was silent. The Professor stared at the student, his face unfathomable.)

Professor: I guess you’ll have to take them on faith, son.

Student : That is it sir … Exactly ! The link between man & GOD is FAITH. That is all that keeps things alive and moving.

 

P.S.
By the way, that student was ALBERT EINSTEIN
(Genius)

By the River

flowing like music

calm as night

rushing like the wind

but soothing to the sight

clear as crystal

mirroring the sky above

drowning in your beauty

swept away by love

take me away

to the forest of dreams

where wishes come true

and happiness gleams

yet wake me, if you must

with a plash from thee

that I may differ make-believe

from reality

 

~my entry to Magpie Tales

*photo credits:  River, by Marina Moevs, 2005

 c/o Tess Kincaid